Four

When I woke up this morning, I heard his voice downstairs already.  How does he even have the self control to not open those presents, I thought.  He'd asked for it for months.  It was the only thing he wanted - The Green Christmas Train.

You see, Patrick turned four today.  Four.  I can hardly believe it myself!  Three was pretty rough for us.  As a family, three was rough, so I can't imagine how he trudged through, but he did! And here we are, on the other side of Four!  Oh, I suppose that sometimes, I'll see three come out to say hi.  After all, as Sandra Cisneros said in Eleven, our age is inside of us, like the rings of a tree.  Yeah, I'm sure he'll still whine a bit, like when he was three, and I'm sure he'll want me to hold him too, like when he was a baby!! And that's OK, because Four is here.  I'm excited for Four!  

Oh, I wonder what Four will bring.  Will he still love trains as much as always?  Will he actually want to color pictures?  Will he write all of his letters and not just the letters in his name?  Will he learn his phone number?  Will he play with Maura more?  Oh, Four...you are so exciting.  I can't wait to see more of you!  

Happy Birthday to my favorite little boy, Patrick Finn!! 

June 10th...A Year Later

Yesterday came and went rather uneventfully.  We headed over to the pool in the early afternoon for the opening pool social and spent the day with many of our friends.  It wasn't until quite late last night that it occurred to me that it has been a year ago that Maura came home from the NICU.

June 10th...yes, the date won't ever be forgotten.  It's almost like a second birthday.  It was our moment to start our lives outside the dark halls of the NICU.  I took Maura home all by myself.  By June 10th, Joe had taken quite a few days, and we knew it was just paperwork that day.  Maura and I headed to Potbelly where I had lunch one last time before our escape.

Yesterday was much different.  She splashed in the pool all afternoon.  The girl is even getting a tan! I think we have the same skin.  I noticed that while I was nursing her today.  We both had the same shade of tan.  Patrick is much pastier than I am, although he tans well too.  Maura smiled at everybody and wore her little itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini and we ate good food until our heart's content.

You'd look at her today and never know she spent 35 days in the NICU.  You'd never know it's been nearly 4 months since her last seizure.  She's doing well.  We just had her reevaluation testing for Early Intervention, and while I've been knee deep in Maura's life for a year, I learned a lot.

Low tone is not just muscle strength.  It's the state of your muscles at rest.  Maura is still quite floppy at rest.  Her fine motor skills are still behind quite a bit.  She has difficulty mastering the use of her pincher grasp and she doesn't know what chewing is quite yet.  Her depth perception is still lacking.  But the girl pulls up to a stand and talks up a storm with all her mamama's and ba ba ba's ..  She's making huge strides.  That's what counts most!

So as we celebrated our lives yesterday, the anniversary of Maura's triumphant homecoming rather slipped away quite quietly...perhaps the best way of all...

On the Move!

Just when I think I've got her figured out, she does something to blow my mind.  She's always been that way....even in the very beginning.  After all, it was a mere 30 minutes before we were slated to leave the hospital that her little body decided to have a seizure, and she's been like this ever since - the last minute lady, we call her...our Pokey Puppy.

So it really should have been no surprise when she had two bouts of uncontrollable crying last week that something was up...something developmental.  She wasn't going to let me post without proving me wrong.  She put one hand in front of the other and did it.  She is officially a crawler now!!

If that wasn't enough, we came home on Friday night and I sat her on the floor.  I clapped my hand, and she did the same.  I did it again, and so did she!  She really is clapping her hands!  And waving too!! Who would have thought?!

So just when you think Holland is looking a bit cloudy, there are some tulips up on the hillside...the most beautiful, colorful ones ever.

Cake

There is something glorious in reaching One.  The cake in particular is a moment you wait for.  A few months ago, we wondered if Maura would even be capable of eating cake on her birthday.  She wasn't even eating solids at Christmas time.  Lucky for us, she caught on.
 

I waited three whole years before Patrick would even touch a cupcake.  He was always a bit OCD about getting his fingers into the whole cake business, but by three, he decided that he really did indeed like the frosting if nothing more, and we relished in the fact that he actually, for the first time in three years, had cake on his face!

Maura is certainly ahead of the game here.  She loves her cake..and not just any cake, Alicia inspired me to make a Lemon Poppyseed cake for her!  Lemon Poppyseed!  Can you believe her mature tastes?

Yes, my girl likes to eat!  I'm glad we could share in her cake moment with her.

A New Me

Have you ever felt like you needed a change real bad?  Maura's birthday is in a few days, and this has, by far, been the most difficult year of my entire life.  We've come a long way baby...and we've got a long way to go!  But I decided I wasn't going to let it show...I'm going to show up at her birthday looking like a million dollars...and I started by getting about 7 inches of my hair cut off.

I never thought I could donate it, but apparently, I was able to!  When she said that, I said Take it!  I was going short anyway!  It's only hair, and it grows back!  My head feels so different right now.  It hasn't been this short in quite a few years, but it feels good to be back!

The Friday After Easter .... One Year Later

As I got dressed this morning, I couldn't help but think about one year ago today. Well, it wasn't really TODAY, but with Easter in context, it was. It was the Friday after Easter, and it was your average day. I was still working. I'd been back to work 4 days and had 5 to go before my leave began. I was tired. I lost my momentum during Easter break, and it wasn't coming back. If I could just get through the following week - and NJASK - I'd be able to breathe.



Maura had other plans. I was just over 35 weeks pregnant. I headed to bed early, only to awaken a little after 1 am. I was bleeding...a lot. My heart sank. Joe was still up. He hadn't even made it to bed when I called down to him. We had to go to the hospital. I was having this baby soon.



This is where it all really began. It didn't begin in the NICU. It didn't begin at CHOP. It began in the middle of the night in my own house, where the reality of my placenta previa really set in: It wasn't moving.

The days that followed were full of uncertainty. We were tired, stuck in labor and delivery, and I had no idea when I was really going to have this little baby. Joe went back and forth many times that weekend, shuttling Patrick between family. We hadn't really planned on this.



As I look back on the last year, it's been a whirlwind...no..it's been a tornado. It's been the hardest year of my life. As we come full circle to Maura's birthday on May 2nd, my mind reels. I have joy for a beautiful special little girl, but I also have much sadness. I missed so much in the haze. As I process it, I hope that next year I'll report that I've come to terms with it all..and until then, I'll just take some time to snuggle that little one who smiles at me like an angel from above...after all, isn't that what she is?

Beta the Betta

Patrick has been having a difficult time lately. I'm not really sure what it is, but he's just been downright difficult. He doesn't listen, he talks back, and he just doesn't seem happy. Sometimes I worry that we've scarred the little dude with the addition of Maura and all of her baggage, but other times, I look at him and wonder what's really going on.

We expect him to act up when she has breakthrough seizures. It's normal. So this most recent attitude shift that came weeks after her last breakthrough, has rather thrown us for a loop. There really is no explanation for it besides the fact that he's three...

So today, we were out and about. There we stood in Petsmart with my friend Marla. The Betta Fish were so pretty. I know how low maintenance they are. Marla decided she would get one for Leo...how could I resist? This was a fish for just Patrick. He could pick whatever one he wanted. He could feed it, name it, watch it. It was going to be his fish....his very own first pet.

We left with the little Betta of his choosing. He's calling it Beta...can't think of a better name for it! That's fine. He adores it. He wants to move it's little tank wherever he is, which we have to limit. But he's been in better spirits.

I drove home wondering what had I done. What happens if this little guy kicks the bucket? Then what? Will I try to do the same thing my mom did? Swap in a replacement? (Yes, she really did...a finch at that!) or just let it run its course? We'll see...but in the meantime, Patrick has a new friend named Beta.

A Year in the Life

It's my birthday today. Today I turn 36. I don't usually like to make a big deal out of my birthday, and this year is no different. It was actually quite nice to spend the day with my children and another little one I'm looking after this week. We went to the playground this morning and it was quiet. My friend Marla brought me one of my most favorite things in the world today - Yogurtland. She called me from the store to tell me the flavors, and I told her what I wanted. Then she showed up with Speculoos filled chocolate bars! Two of them! It doesn't take much to please me. It was so sweet of her! I had dinner and cake with my family and then I headed off to knitting to show off my new little gadget that Joe so kindly gave me!

So today I say goodbye to the last year. I don't think I've had another year where I feel like I've aged so much as this one. At the start of my year, I found myself pregnant, at just about 20 weeks. I was told I had placenta previa. Never did I realize what my year would really become. I am a different person today. We are a different family. Maura has changed us in ways we never realized.

Hopefully this year will bring good health and prosperity. And while I'm sure there will be bumps in the road, I'm absolutely sure it can't be any more difficult than this last year has been for us.

A First Foods Moment

Just a moment from our week, one to remember and savor always...Thanks to Amanda for her weekly gathering of inspiration!

What special moment do you want to share this week?

On Milestones...however late they may be!

She's getting it, ever so slowly. Her dexterity is building. Her accuracy becoming more precise. Maura is grabbing for toys! I know, I know...it seems like such a meager little task, but at 6 months, she should have mastered this skill long ago. This is huge for her. It may take her some time, but she's getting where she needs to be!

In the meantime, she's happy to take that Sophie to her mouth and teeth until she falls fast fast asleep.

Phenobarbital No More!

Today marks a milestone for us. Today, Maura got her last dose of phenobarbital. It was slow to come. 6 weeks ago, we were in the midst of our last bout of seizures...I wasn't sure if we'd make it to the last dose. I so confidently posted about it, and then we found ourselves falling into the abyss of more seizures that didn't seem to stop so easily. But we got them under control and stuck to our guns on the phenobarbital. Each week, slowly, we weaned her down dose by dose. Tonight was the last one.

The picture I share today shows two things. The dose on the left is the dose she was receiving twice a day six weeks ago. 2.7 mLs ...The dose on the right is Maura's actual last dose...at .3 mLs...

It will be really bizarre to wake up tomorrow and not give it to her. She's been on it for all but 40 hours of her life! And now, it will no longer be a part of her. Of course, it has a half life, but I know it will be out of her system completely in just a few days...

So what does that mean for her? Hopefully less fuzz in her little head. I can't imagine what she's dealing with...she's a strong little cookie...she works hard. We'll get there in our own time...in the meantime, we do a lot of playing to get there!



Wish us luck as we venture into a new era. Every day, I worry that this is going to be it...the day she has breakthroughs. Each day makes it easier to convince myself. I hope we aren't let down this time!

Bouncer Baby

I sit and watch her play on her bouncer. She inherited it from Patrick, though it's made its rounds among no less than 2 other babies. I remember seeing his early smiles as he watched the bears move. For Maura, it's different. Watching her fascinates me because I see her make those connections in her head. She smiles at the bears and coos at them. Once in a while, she'll hit one. I watch her as if she's thinking, did I do that?



For a baby who has had so many hurdles to cross, she sure makes the best of it. She's as happy as a clam and just coming into her own. She's catching up, in her own time.

A Headlifting Moment

Just a moment from our week! A Milestone to remember! Maura's on the upswing! Thanks for thinking of her this week! We begin the count again, day 3 seizure free!

Look Who's Smiling!

She's actually been doing it for a few weeks, but she's subtle and cheeky and hard to catch with a camera. But I've figured her out, oh yes I have!




It's when they smile that it's all over..every second spent worrying..every trip to the NICU...every tear cried in the last 3 months...you just melt when they smile...it's magic!

Preparing for a Party...

Someone is turning 3. Can you guess who?




It's been a hard few months...I'm sure it's been just as hard on him as it has been on us. He deserves a special birthday...



He's gungho about Thomas. Did I mention that? Well, trains in general...so we've gone with a train theme, with a touch of Thomas...



The cupcakes are even Thomas colors!




I think he's going to be one happy little boy on Sunday when we celebrate his lucky 8/8/08 birthday!

Day 13 at CHOP and How Patrick is doing

Explaining to your toddler that your baby can't come home just yet is really difficult. Patrick has always been a very easy going guy. We really didn't know WHAT to expect when Maura came. Of course, things were magnified when I disappeared fly by night with the bleeding and my placenta previa. Thankfully we made it possible for him to wake up to Daddy being home, but that week sent him into quite a spiral that we've got some recovering to do.



How do you tell this little person that you are sending him to a babysitter every day - even a bit later than usual - while you go and sit at the bedside of a newborn in the NICU? You can't explain it. The baby that was in your belly is not here...and there really is no explanation.

So when he begins to act up, he really doesn't have to explain himself either! We've had some spitting going on, yelling, cutting us off, and general "beastedness". He even pooped in the tub last night!



So we are trying to give him as much time as humanly possible. Trying to make him feel like he's a part of everything. We've been trying to be with him, take him to the park, and do special things with just him. We even got him new fish!

The day that Maura comes home might be the best thing for him..let's hope we can see that day sometime soon!

An In the Womb Moment

Now...obviously...this one can't go without a FEW words...

"What could be possibly wrong with that scanner?!" I thought to myself....for weeks on end...where I had NO energy to trudge past the evening sickness that had me in it's grasp..but as I see light through the clouds, at 16 weeks, I share with you...Baby Number 2, due in May! The Conroys are becoming FOUR!

Have a great weekend everyone! What is your special moment? I'd love to visit some of them!

Thanks Amanda Soule for all of your inspiration in gathering so many amazing moments in ONE place every week!

Next Year Would Be Too Late!

As he grows bigger, I see him become more independent. At one time, I wanted him to be a toddler so badly. I wanted him to understand me, to play with me, to draw and color, and do all that fun stuff. And it's not that I don't want that all for him now, but those days of the cute little toddler are slipping so fast between my fingers, I hardly have a second to enjoy them! We sure do try though! I think we are doing pretty good!



Next year, he'll want to pick his own Halloween costume...he'll want to be Bob the Builder or Thomas the Train, and I'll say yes and make his little heart whatever he may desire. But for this year? It was still Mama's turn. When I saw this little lederhosen at a consignment sale for the mere price of $2.50, I couldn't resist!

How are you trying to capture their youth forever?

Happy Halloween Everyone!

Such Lucky Boys

three of them...



so close in age...



learning and growing together...



I'm not sure who the lucky ones are...them or their moms ;)

The Public Library

With the change in seasons comes a change in habits. We've spent our summers biking, swimming, and walking. Of course, we still try to get some good outside time each day, but sometimes routine just calls for something different.



I'm not sure why we haven't brought him to the library yet. My boy absolutely loves books. He's starting to ask for them by name or topic in fact! I would say we've got more books than we do toys in his room.



So yesterday, we ventured off to the library. We've got a great library in town that was recently renovated. The entire downstairs is a children's area with all kinds of sections and things to do.



The whole process was rather organic. We wanted to see how he'd react to it, pick out some books, perhaps do an activity, and head home. It was well worth the process! We found some time to read with him as well as pick out books.



Next week, we'll head on back and pick out new books! I spy a library bag in the making...just as soon as I'm done with the Halloween costumes!