Dear Patrick

Tomorrow, you start kindergarten.  Tomorrow, my heart breaks.  Not for you of course, but for me.  I'm the one losing something here...you are my buddy, my companion, my daily friend.  I know, I know, I get to stay with Maura...but she isn't you.  She doesn't have your sense of humor, or your conversation skills yet.  I hope you know how much I'll miss you.

I'm glad we got to meet this "new woman in your life" today.  But remember, nobody loves you more than your mama.  Mrs. M is very nice, and I'm sure she'll do a fine job teaching you all kinds of new things, but you'll still learn plenty of things at home too, just like always.

I hope you'll eat your lunch and not spend the whole half hour talking.  And I hope you'll eat your snack too.  It's going to be tough.  You have to learn how to balance your time.  I'm sure you will, but please remember to eat!  I can't bear to think of your hungry tummy!

Please ask to use the potty.  I know you sometimes get too busy...you wait until the last minute.  Please...don't.  Go when you have to, and not at the last minute.  You'll be thankful later.

Mrs. M has a lot to teach you.  Listen.  Listen well.  Love her (but not as much as your mama!).  Play with your friends...get to know them.  You'll be with them for a long time.

At the end of the school day, I'll be there...in the school yard...with your sister, who might go crazy without you and Daddy all day.  And we'll walk home, and talk all about your day.  And summer will come before you know it.  Just don't ever forget how much I love you!

The Weaning - at .5

My where has the time gone?  I felt like this blog became sort of a talking space for everything Maura.  Obviously, there is so much more to our lives than Maura....but Maura has certainly added quite a dimension to it.  There are lulls in her medical news and then there are moments of crazy.

Right now we are in the midst of weaning her off Keppra.  We started 4 weeks ago taking a step from 2.5 mls twice a day to 2...and dropping .5ml each dose once a week.  It's been interesting to say the least...

At first, we saw a lot of new language develop out of it.  Maura was starting to come out of her little shell.  She started mimicking us more, and using more signs to convey to us what she wanted.  It was amazing.  She's been struggling so hard with language development, and it's really nice to see her trying so hard now and having some luck with it!  If only food would come as easy...

She's also had a few crazy nights.  Last night, she howled like a beast for nearly an hour around 3 am.  I did go in and nurse her to her content, but she eventually stopped, and wanted to play...I have no tolerance for playing with a 2 year old at 3 am.  I really hope you don't blame me!  I did some googling - something that has played a big part in my understanding of Maura's condition ever since the beginning.  We have no proof because while she's got some words, she can't tell me things like "I'm feeling anxious!" "The room spins!" "I've got a little bit of the shakes going on!"  Yeah...it's called withdrawal...and we think she's got a touch of it.

Hopefully it doesn't last long.  She seems to be more aware of herself, so let's hope the very last step - next week - goes just as smoothly without any seizures.

Five

My baby turns five tomorrow.  Five makes me sad.  I've immensely enjoyed four so much that the very thought of him turning five breaks my heart.  Five is much different than any of the other years.  Five means big things for a little guy!  In a little more than a month, we will begin our daily journey across town by foot where I'll see him off to school.

SCHOOL!  Did you hear that?  He's starting kindergarten!  I really think the second I watch him walk into that building, I'm going to burst into a billion pieces!  My little buddy, who's kept me company and stayed by my side for the last 2 and a half years is going back into someone else's care.  I know he'll be in love with his teacher.  He always is.  He sits up front at library.  At the farm, he was always by Miss. Lidia's side.  Of course he'll be right there by his new teacher too.  I just hope he isn't too overwhelming.

As the summer begins to come to a close, I spend my time reminiscing about the last five years.  I remember the first month of his life like it was yesterday.  It was a cool August very much like the one we are in the middle of.  It seemed that as soon as I'd had him, the beginnings of autumn seemed to be slipping right in.  This year isn't much different, and the very center of my soul is feeling the season change, just as I watch my little man change.  He's putting his preschool years behind him as he turns into a real little boy.  I only hope the time slows down a little bit before it all flashes into memory!

Retired...for now!

So I did something kinda crazy last week.  Yep...I did!  I resigned from my teaching position.  Now some of you might think I'm insane.  I worked so hard for that job.  I put my time in at a Catholic school.  I sent out over 100 resumes.  I got 2 interviews.  It was a lot of luck and hard work!  What exactly am I thinking?

Well...for one..I can't go back right now.  I am not ready.  Yes, I know it has been two years.  That seems like plenty of time to spend with your little one.  But two years ago (today actually)  I was still sitting in the NICU, holding my sweet baby who was still having seizures.  That experience changed me more than I can even explain.  Only a NICU parent truly understand all of that.

Then there is the case for education.  Here in NJ, education has changed so much in the last two years.  I'd be going back to a whole different game.  The rules have changed, the curriculum has changed, the standards have changed...I'd be lost right now.

It was hard to let go.  Tenure, Pension (after reform), you know..all that jazz...but the reality of it all is that teaching will still be there when I'm ready.  Right now, my kids need me home, especially this littlest one...don't you agree?

Exploring the Outside

We've been spending more and more time outside these last few weeks.  Whether we are at the pool getting it ready for it's opening next week or just in our own little backyard, we are out there!  One thing my son really enjoys is visiting the neighbors.  And boy is he lucky!  My neighbors have some fabulous gardens abound!  He gets to explore the nooks and crannies of small city gardens, and I get to gander at all the beautiful plants in them.  I try my hand at gardening, but I'm not nearly as skilled as my amazing neighbors are!

Anyway, one of our neighbors shared with us the most amazing little treasure today.  She took us to her gardening bench where her gardening pots were...and in one of them, was a little nest of baby birds!  Five of them!  Sleeping right on top!  Breathing, and occasionally startling to open their mouths to us!  I made my son promise not to touch them or their nest.  I picked him up and showed him.  His face was aglow!

Peculiar little fellows decided to nest in a terracotta pot!  Go figure!  I'm so glad we got to see them.  We look forward to revisiting them as they grow - but not too often!

Two!

My goodness!  Where does the time go?  The winter is always so dreary here, and not all that much happens, but I never expected the blog to get away from me!  If you are still out there reading, well, thank you!  I hope to blog a bit more through the summer months!

Maura turned two.  Can you believe it?  I blinked my eyes, and she grew and grew and before I knew it, she was two!  I feel like the first year was a year of shock - shock from what I'd been through, shock from what she was going through...but the second year was a different story.  It was like we were recovering.  Maura is seizure free. She has been for a very long time.  Her meds may or may not have anything to do with that, we won't know until we wean her...which will happen sometime soon, for at least one of them!

Regardless, we put all that aside this week as we celebrated two.  Maura had cake,  she made a mess, she got some help from her big brother to open her presents.  It was a beautiful day!

Oh hello there!

Long time no see, blog friends!  I got wrapped up in the holidays and busy making dollies that I've kinda neglected this place...but alas, I've thought of you!  I've visited your blogs!  I just haven't posted here!

Things are well.  It's funny how the new year makes you look back on the last.  A year ago, I was in such a dismal state.  I hid it well!  After Christmas, the quiet set in, and I realized that I was having very real issues.  I got help...and I did something!

I remember sitting in Starbucks, right in the heart of New Hope, with a very dear friend who has since moved across the country.  She sat there and told me of her plans, and encouraged me to open a shop!  I told her about my failed endeavor - how I'd tried to open an etsy shop and totally bombed...even in the heart of the Christmas season, nothing had sold!  Not a single thing!  Etsy was a sea in which finding oneself would be too hard...that it wouldn't work for me...

Little did I know that I'd cross paths with another soul over the summer who would plant a seed...a seed to sell dolls!  Well friends, I've learned a lot since making those first few dolls over the summer - which were FAR from my first dolls to begin with, but FAR from where I am now!  I love every one of them.  Who would have thought?!

Anyway, I took a bit of a break after the holidays.  Making for a shop in town, making for etsy, customs, and family gifts...whew!  It's all got me tired out!  But I'm making again, and there are more friends coming to my shop soon!  I hope you'll stop by!

Oh Christmas Tree

We headed out to our favorite tree farm this weekend...I know what kind of tree we like best - the concolor - with it's fabulous citrus scent.  The day was unseasonably warm and damp, but we were troopers as we headed out in the late afternoon sun.  

Patrick wanted to ride the tractor, which turned out to be a good decision with two littles in tow.  The ground was a bit muddy as we rode out in the depth of the fields.  

This year, we had two hunters for trees..obviously, one much slower than the other, and most certainly more interested in the pine needles under foot.  I'd hoped that she'd walk by Halloween.  She did, though not so efficiently.  I feel like she's finally crossing over the border of being a real "walker".  It all happened just last week when she figured out how to get up mid-floor!  

He had two onlookers too, as he cut down the perfect tree....but not before one last picture of this living wonder.  Ahh, the concolor - branches out like a Douglas Fir, but the needles are a bit longer...

More than anybody, Patrick couldn't wait to see the tree go up.  He was quite fond of our find.  Each year as he grows, and I'm sure it will happen with her too, the holidays become something more and more magical for us.  I bet the same thing happened to the generation before us.

Here's wishing you a wonderful season of light and giving as we begin.

Finn and Fern and busy busy busy!

Oh hi there!

It's been a bit, huh?  It's been a busy busy place, this Conroy house of ours!  Maura started to walk during the hurricane, and now she's really getting it!  This keeps me extra busy these days!  Not to mention this dolly thing has really taken off!  Have you stopped over to Facebook to see them?  Please do, and please share!  I'm really loving that I can offer something to help our little family along, even if it is mostly all done in the wee hours of the night!  This little gal you see is one of them!  She's one of my new pattern.  I'm really pleased with how it's working out.  I've actually used three patterns so far for my larger dolls, and this - the third - is rather a combination of the two previous ones.  Isn't she a cutie?

Oooh Child, Things are Gonna Get Easier!

Today is World Prematurity Day.  Did you know that?  I got up, and got dressed.  We went to a benefit breakfast for one of Joe's former students..I wore purple.  We sat at the table and talked to a parent of one of Joe's students.  She asked how old Maura was..."She's not a year yet, right?"  Yes.  She is.  I explained our story in an annotated version.  She told me her son was a 32 weeker.  As time goes on, it doesn't go away, this preemie/CHOP/epilepsy business...it's still here, and I'm reminded of it often.

I look back at myself in the NICU now.  How naive I was.  They told me we could call Early Intervention when we got settled at home.  I thought to myself that we wouldn't be needing them for long...that since Maura was coming home, things would get better!  She carries her preemieship with her.  Her delays are immense.  She is doing things in her own time.  I really never thought she's wait until she was 18 months old to start walking...and I was often reminded of it as we watched many younger children pass her in milestones by the dozens.

The whole thing seems like a blur.  In ways, I've come to deal with it, but it doesn't go away...It's become part of us, this preemie business.  It always will be!