Seizureville

With every seizure that happens, I hope it's the last. That hasn't been the case lately. We aren't very much enjoying this extended stay in Seizureville. It sucks. Really, it does!

After two seizures this time, I dragged Maura up to the pediatrician's office to have her weighed. I was convinced she had grown. She feels heavier - especially in the middle of the night when I nurse her. Sure enough, in a mere two and a half weeks, the girl has gained a pound and a half! Seriously child, what are you eating?

Oh wait..never mind...breastmilk...and food, her latest trick!

Of course, we adjusted her meds and hopefully they'll stick for a while. But every time this happens, it forces me to look deeper at our life...deeper into the future...thoughts - rather nightmares - about going back to work eventually and this happening then. The money we don't have...the anger I hold towards a family member who wronged us when we could certainly use a bump right now. I also look grimly at the past. You know, like 9 months ago when people tried to reassure me, "Just think, in a year you'll look back on this and it will all be a fuzzy distant memory!" They meant well...We all hoped it was so...but 9 months in...in the thick of it...it doesn't feel so good. Does that make me angry at them? Certainly not. Those are the things I still wish for...and maybe someday, we'll put the cap on the bottle of meds and she'll never have another seizure. Will I ever forget? Will I ever not worry that they are there lurking...just waiting for us? Probably not.

This time I came close...5 months was a long time! It fooled us good. This beast called epilepsy won't fool me again. I'm watching...and I can always hope that she never has another seizure.