How the Cookie Crumbles...

The other day, I reached into the fridge for Maura's daily meds and realized I didn't have to anymore. It was the last day she was slated to get Topamax, but really, after 3 weeks of weaning, what did it matter if she didn't get that last Tuesday dose? It didn't...so we are left with one. Just the Keppra these days...from three anti-epileptic medications to just one. Not bad ehh? Seems as if Maura is doing really well!!

But then, there's the dark side. The aftermath of it all. There is processing to be done by me. Yeah, you all saw it. You saw me hold it together when they pulled my baby from me 4 weeks early. You watched me stand tall as they kept her in the NICU, transferred her to CHOP, and kept her there for 35 days. I somehow managed to get through a brief "vacation" from the NICU in May when she was sent home and had to return. But coping through 5 months of seizure free, falling into normal Maura? mmm, not so easy...



I think it started in November. My cycle returned on me. I've never been that lucky to keep it at bay. With Patrick, it returned exactly a year to the day that I found out I was pregnant with him. Ironic ehh? Even though I'm still nursing full time, it still came back to get me after just 6 months. And then in December, it was worse. I was melting down...I didn't realize it fully then, until the quiet of January set in.

I have post partum depression. Yeah..you think it hits in the first 6 months. Here we are, Maura will be 9 months old in a few weeks! But let's put the pieces together. The rollercoaster didn't stop in May or June..In fact, Maura's last seizure was on August 31st. The summer was a whirlwind. The autumn was no slower as I filled my days with things...a big consignment sale, Halloween costumes, rearranging our house to accommodate four, painting two bedrooms, creating a train room, inventing a girl room, oh, and Christmas! I kept busy...and I kept the PPD at bay...but it was there...I just didn't let it creep in...

And the further we got from Seizureville, the worse I felt. I missed the NICU. I missed my "job" there. I missed having a greater purpose. I'd have nightmares where I'd wake up in the middle of the night and reach over Maura's face just to make sure she was breathing - more than once! I began to feel like I was useless and lonely during the day. I wasn't enjoying my time with Maura and Patrick and I was filling it with things to do. I was anxious about everything...overthinking going back to work next year (if then)...money..everything! And once the quiet of January set in, I checked out...or rather really checked in with myself and admitted that I do indeed have a problem going on.

So I went for help. It took a lot of gumption to admit that there was a problem...but after doing it, I just feel relieved. And hopefully things will get better now.

So why am I sharing all of this? Well...I've been sharing this rollercoaster straight from the beginning...in between posts about holidays and gifts, there have always been Maura updates...and I've always spoken from the heart very sincerely...and you know what? The aftermath of the NICU isn't all peaches and cream and that's OK...and if I can help one person out there realize that, I'm happy.