Numb..

So a blog...what's it for exactly?? I read other people's blogs..they share life tidbits. Sometimes I share life tidbits too..I decided just recently that I was going to put it out there tho, to say what I think or see or feel on my blog..like last night, and the beautiful scene that inspired that piece..but today...today is a different day.

Joe's brother recently got engaged. We went out tonight as a family to celebrate at a great steakhouse. It was a wonderful evening out..but then I came home. The answering machine was beeping at me..two messages..who could they be?

I hit play on the machine and listen..first, my aunt..saying that I need to call her as soon as possible..sounding quite grim. My knees start to get weak..then, my cousin, saying the same, but reassuring me that we are all alright..so ok, noone in my immediate family is in danger..whats this about? It's 11:10, can I call her back? Is it too late? I have to call..

My cousin Kathleen is dead. She was no older than 40. We really haven't talked to her in years. She went through a bout of alcoholism and it led to some disagreements and then she was off, to tend to her family in Pennsylvania. She has two boys, Luke and Dylan, respectively 9 and 7. Her husband Joe and her went through rough times..apparently meeting at AA, there has been quite a history there..none the less, he woke up this morning and found her dead. We don't know any more details other than that..and I'm sure I'll find out more in the coming days..Joe is being questioned..it all just isn't right.

Take a step back in time, a year ago. I found myself attending her brother's funeral. We don't know all the details there either, but if you ask me, it was drug related..At that point in time, it was bad enough that my Aunt had to bury two of her children, now, it's three..there is just one left..yes..i said two..

When I was a kid, my cousin Jennifer overdosed on drugs as well. She was a teenager who hated school. Growing up in a divorced family, she found herself willing to do anything to not have to go to school, including eatting alot of pills. I always had these images of Jennifer standing in my Aunt's living room, apologizing for doing it, crying hysterically, and dropping dead on the floor. I knew that she had died and now, as an adult, i don't imagine that's how it really all went down, but I wasn't brought to the wake, and it wasn't ever talked about. It was a tragedy in itself, a 15 year old kid, dead..

Now, my Aunt is going to bury her third child..two in a year..and only one left on this earth..What kind of a god is there that thinks there is a reason that someone should deserve this kind of life? I don't even know what to say, I'm in complete shock..It isn't supposed to happen this way..