Mom...

Five years ago today, I found myself wandering around in a daze. The night before, I had come home from the usual weekend in South Jersey, gone in for my regular weekly chat with my mom on her bed..and headed into my room to check email across the hall. Not an hour later, I found myself walking into her room to find her on the floor. After breaking into hysterics shouting through the house to everyone home to call the cops, my brother and I took it into our own hands. Her skin was blue..how long had she been there? I had heard a crash a little while earlier..was that it?? My brother, in a fit of tears, prompted me to help him do CPR..He took the compressions, I guess in my mind, that was scarier than giving breathes. We tried so hard..EMS arrived..it was too late..they knew right away..my house turned into a very weird place that night..I don't know that I got a full hour of sleep..It was about 7 am when I went into my brother's room to sleep on his couch...because I couldn't be alone, across the hall, from what had just gone on. It was Palm Sunday...a day that I'll never forget. The sounds I heard that night, they were so vivid at first. The sound of air going in and out of her lungs right below me...but they fade..I know there were sounds now, but I don't remember them as clearly as I did that night.

I think my mom waited for me. She had told her best friend on the Friday before that she had a hard time and didn't know how much longer she'd make it. We had our last talk..I'd seen Phil and Friends the night before...they played Brokedown Palace and Unbroken Chain..and I haven't seen Phil and friends since where they *haven't* played Unbroken Chain.

Its crazy to think it was five years ago.. but anyway, Mom, I know you are out there somewhere..looking down on me....I miss you..5 years..long time..please just know that I'm doing the best I can..

Love,
Me